Alpha Mummy is a new blog for mums who work, used to work, or want to go back to work one day (as if looking after children isn't work enough).
10 Lies Mothers Tell
1. The pain of childbirth
Trite but true, a mother will never reveal the true extent of the pain of childbirth. How could we even begin to explain anyway? Instead, when asked about it, by soon to be initiated friends, we mutter something about breathing through it and try and suppress the buried memory of our own experience of childbirth, particularly the bit that involved crawling around on all fours howling like a dog.
2. The amount of alcohol we drink
Of course we love bathing our child and the way they smell all clean when they are tucked up in bed listening raptly to what Charlie said to Lola. We are more reluctant to admit that we are on auto-pilot the throughout the entire bathing/bedtime ritual, our minds concentrated almost exclusively on that magical first, cold glass of wine that we are going to guzzle the minute the children (finally) go to sleep. Alcohol is a quick fix route to relaxation that few exhausted mothers can resist.
3. Paid work is easier than childcare
Every working mother has had the experience of a stay at home mother asking them ‘how on earth they do it’? We bask in their apparent admiration, reluctant to admit what men have known for decades; paid work is easier than childcare. Work can be grim, it is true. But rarely, if ever, will one of your colleagues wrap themselves around your ankle screaming if you try to go to the bathroom or fix yourself a cup of coffee.
4. Yes, we are competitive
We want our children to be high achievers. Of course we ‘tut’ at the ridiculous notion of a two-year-old learning Mandarin and actively pity those parents that turn up to sports day with running shoes. But here’s the thing - it often feels good when your children are better and faster than their peers. Always distrust a mother that tries to impress upon you the fact that she ‘does not have a competitive bone in her body’.
5. How much we resent our partners
Much as we adore our children’s fathers, a lot of the time we also just plain hate them. How many of us have not fantasised about our partner’s death while getting down and dirty with the bleach in the loo which he never, ever cleans? Few of us remember that section of our wedding vows which involved us remembering every dreary date on the domestic calendar from birthdays to school open days; far less the part where we promised to stay up all night sewing in labels, packing lunch boxes or conjuring up outfits for school plays. As for the part where you collapse in an exhausted heap around midnight and he shows up with that certain twinkle in his eye…
6. How much we resent our children
Tricky one this because it really is a given that we love our children, and most of us could prove to an objective standard, that we have sacrificed our youth, looks and sanity in pursuit of their happiness and well being. However, this does mean that from time to time we do not regard them as the life-sucking little leeches that they are. This is most acute when, just home from the daily commute we are forced to sit through five acts of a confusing, noisy childrens’ play, complete with scenery, costume changes, and energetic audience participation.
7. How much we hate our childless colleagues
It is really ok to hate our childless colleagues because they hate us right back. They see that we have a ready made excuse for every late morning, early evening, extended holiday and day off sick. They have no appreciation, nor could they, that the work is all still there when we arrive back. It is true that our childless colleague often gets into work early and pointedly stays late. Your boss is unlikely to be aware of the fact that, notwithstanding this, they spend the most of their time at work surfing the internet for last-minute skiing holidays or mini breaks for two in Barcelona.
8. The amount of screen time our children get
Of course we have all read the dire warnings about screen time. We know that computer games and television will affect our children’s’ ability to concentrate, care about others and construct a coherent sentence. Most of us would say that our children spend no more than one hour in front of a screen a day. This is a big fat lie. If you doubt this ask yourself how many children’s television characters your child could name aged 2. The reality is many children pack in a good two hours plus in front of the television in the morning before their parents are even fully conscious. And let’s face it, if your child insists on getting up at 5.50am every morning, what are you supposed to do, potato printing?
9. The amount of junk food they eat
Yes, we mash up organic vegetables for our babies and shove cubes of carrot and cucumber into their lunch boxes to impress their teachers with our enlightened approach to food. We smile serenely as, lovingly, we place fruit smoothies and bumper packs of raisins into our trolley at the supermarket. Looking back, we are therefore completely mystified as to exactly how and when sugared cereals and ketchup became such a staple of our children’s diet, and note with horror their ability to recognise popular fast food outlets just from the logo.
10. That we do not like our friend’s children
Perhaps the most shocking aspect of becoming a mother is that your loving and maternal instincts do not extend to the offspring of you friend’s children. In fact, if anything, other people's children become even more intolerable when you are dealing with the relentless demands of your own family. All of us have the experience of watching ineffectual parents inflict their dreadful offspring onto others. It is very hard to have to grit your teeth and encourage your child to ‘share' with little Oscar when you have just observed him spit at your child and pull the head off her best doll.
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